After much debate, I'm finally ready to talk about it! While the story here may not be as funny as me telling it with multiple hand gestures and reenactments, I nevertheless hope you will have a good laugh.
MEPS stands for Military Entrance Processing Station. As many of you know, I have applied for a Commission with the Navy as a Chaplain. I have completed all of the paperwork, fingerprinting, had my interview with the Chaplain board, etc. Really all that was left for me to do was to go through MEPS. In layman's terms, it is much like the most thorough physical you'll ever experience.
It all started with the time to meet. Granted, I have been working with officer recruiters in San Diego. They have been amazing, and I really appreciate all of their hard work and communication with me. They set me up with a couple of folks here in Vegas to get me to MEPS at the Air Force Base. I was told to meet the folks at 6:30am at Nellis Air Force Base. Naturally, I arrived at 6:15am, as I am an early bird and like to make sure I know where to go. I waited. 6:30am passed. 6:45am passed. I called the number I had for the petty officer, and nothing. Finally a car pulls up, asks if I was "Broadhurst", and I jumped in.
When we arrive at the medical facility on base, we wait again. Apparently a 7:00am appointment meant 7:30am. I quickly realize that I will be there with a group of 18-year old future enlistees. Great.... They hear I'm going in as an officer and a chaplain, and suddenly everyone begins to act scared of me!
They call three of us back for the first test - a hearing test. We go into sound proof, "Clark Kent" booths and put on head phones... And mine don't work. The nurse comes in, readjusts...and they still don't work. I hear a noise, push my button, and nothing... Finally, she gets it to work, and apparently I do have exceptional hearing! One down...
The three of us are taken to a room with the other two that we met before. The nurse comes in and asks if anyone needs to use the restroom. I had been waiting for this since 7:00am! I jump up and head to the bathroom, receive my cup, and then the nurse does not leave. She continues to stand over me... Yes, yes, she must watch me pee! Oh boy! Now, I have a shy bladder on the best of days, and usually cannot go to the bathroom if someone is in the stall beside me! So, of course, I sit there for a few, and then get up with no success. The nurse sends me back to the room, tells me to drink water, and relax. Relax?
The nurse comes back in and asks for two people. It's blood drawing time. Woo. Again, on the best of days, it takes about two to three tries to get blood out of me. It's never a fun process. However, the boy who came with me decided to distract me and tell me the stories of all of his tattoos. Sure enough, she gets blood on the first try, and I'm out of there. As I walk down the hall, a man is staring at me and points to my arm. I look down, and it's like Old Faithful! Blood is squirting out of my arm like a geyser! My arm is covered with blood! I walk back to the nurse's room, and say, "Um, I think something may be wrong." She comes over, cleans me up, applies much more pressure, and finally I stop bleeding. I go back to the room and drink more water.
The eye doctor then came and got me. Color blind test, check. No problem. Then I put my head on the "letters" machine. Nothing. He says to read the smallest line I can. Nothing. I see absolutely nothing. He says to look down or tilt my head. Nothing. I see nothing. Then he realizes he hasn't hit the light button. Oh yeah?! I shook my head, read the smallest letters, and he commends me on my eyesight. Then there's a depth perception test. Now sitting here right now, looking at items around my house, I can tell you what is further away and what is closer. Outside? Same thing. I can tell you what mountain is in front of the other mountain. This test? I look at the circles. I got nothing. I ask to make sure he's illuminated the correct one, and he gives me a look... I got nothing. Big fat FAIL. Hey, at least I'm going to be a Chaplain, not a pilot.
Finally, I am about to burst with pee. I grab the nurse, we go to the bathroom, she talks about her snowboarding vacation to distract me, and finally I pee in the cup with a person standing over me. Success.
When we come back to the room, she calls the three of us girls to come with her. We come to a hallway that is cordoned off with two black sheets at either end. She gives us each a clothes basket, and tells us we can put our clothes in it. What? Why would I take off my clothes in the middle of a hallway that people continue to walk through? But, that's what we do. Strip down to our undies. And here walks in a male doctor. Excellent. It's me standing with two fit 18 year old girls. Great. We proceed to go though a series of exercises...in our undies. Walking on our heels, walking on our toes, walking on our knees... Mortifying. And then...we have to walk around the room like a duck... Oh yes. So I walk like a duck in the way I've been walking like a duck since I was three. However, he wants us to walk a different way... I just don't get it. I cannot make my body move in the way he wants us to move. After three minutes of trying, he finally says I'm good... Mortifying. Absolutely mortifying.
But wait, there's more...
Clothed again, I am taken to a regular examining room. I sit, sit...nap...sit, wait...sit, nap, text, check the box scores, sit. After 90 minutes the nurse and doctor came in. The same two that watched me pee and watched me duck walk. We talk, he makes notes, we talk more. Then he says it's time to get naked. Okay, sure, got a gown? No no, just stand in the middle of the room without clothes on. Are you kidding me? 20 minutes I stand in front of this doctor without clothes to he can measure scars, measure birthmarks, and poke and prod places I didn't know were able to be poked and prodded. When the words "bend over and spread 'em came," I cringed. While I tried to dream up my "happy place," it just wouldn't happen!
As I'm getting dressed and he's writing notes on my chart, he says the following words, "Well, you're no spring chicken."
My head jerks up, and I say, "Excuse me?!" He repeats, "You're no spring chicken. I'm used to seeing 18 and 19 year olds."
What kind of doctor, what kind of MAN tells a WOMAN who has just been standing in front of him without clothes for 20 minutes that she is no spring chicken?
I looked at him, and said, "Sir, if I weren't a pastor, I'd deck you right now."
And so ends my day at MEPS. It's now 1:30pm. After arriving at 6:15am, it's been quite the mortifying, embarrassing day of firsts and hopefully lasts!
I hope you have enjoyed this laugh, and I am thankful that I will never have to relive this day...ever again!
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